Back in 1975, the very first show of NBC’s Saturday Night Live ran a commercial poking fun at the two-blade razors that were then being hyped. The Triple Track razor had three blades–one blade to cut the whisker, a second to grab what was left before it could snap back into your face, and a third blade to slice it off. As parody it was brilliant, and so was the slogan: The Triple Track Razor, because you’ll believe anything!

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So twenty-odd years later, Gillette introduces the MACH3Turbo razor, which comes with three blades and really spiffy ad graphics. Their slogan: The Best Manual Razor for the Closest Shave with less irritation–Even when shaving against the grain. Hmph, you just know they’d rather have used SNL’s more honestly contemptous catchphrase! Especially now when consumers are snapping up the successor to the Turbo: the battery powered M3POWER 3-blade razor that vibrates whiskers away (I can picture the cast of SNL thinking up a similar product and deciding that nobody would fall for something as absurd as that!)

Poor SNL, no wonder their show hasn’t been funny for decades–you can’t parody something if the next day your caricature becomes reality. (Irony is dying for much the same reason.)

Continuing with the tale, we have the Onion, which last year published a satirical article with the headline:

F— Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades by Gilette CEO James M. Kitts

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the f—ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our c—- in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, f— it. We’re going to five blades.

A good parody (if a bit profane)–it works because it’s based on reality, but it’s so exaggerated that it tickles your funny bone. Five blades! As if.

And so we come to an article published today on CNN.com:

Gillette unveils 5-bladed razor
New system, available in early 2006, to have lubricating strips on both the front and back sides.

Gillette has escalated the razor wars yet again, unveiling a new line of razors on Wednesday with five blades and a lubricating strip on both the front and back.

The razor, known as the Fusion, has blades spaced 30 percent closer than Gillette’s current MACH3Turbo system. It also has a single blade on the back of the cartridge for shaving sideburns or trimming under the nose.

I’ll readily concede that they have an obligation to shareholders to sell products, no matter how ridiculous those products may be. But as consumers, can we agree just this once to use a little sense and tell them “No!"?

No, I didn’t think so. I’m sure consumers will cave in and turn the overblown Fusion into another hit, so I’m going on the record with my own parody product:

The new Behemoth with 6 razors and nanotech built in to give you a close shave and a face-lift at the same time!

It’ll be on the shelves in 12 months.